Everyone has something on their conscience. You probably already know your man is not perfect and no other guy will be perfect the way you want him to be. Before you start your sulk, try to tilt at windmills or, what is worse, force your guy to the habit of sincerity with himself, think about whether to castrate him mentally or effectively discourage him from yourself.
I don’t know why, but many women have the tendency to follow a vision of romantic comedies in relationships, television fairies advice, slogans written on fortune cookies or my favourite Facebook pages filled with beautiful quotes.
Most conflicts in relationships do not concern issues that are important and hard to solve. The solutions are usually simple. It is the lack of knowledge about the opposite sex and its needs that makes some behaviour unreasonable in our opinion, and the attack in such situations is like wiping the butt with barbed wire – simply makes no sense.
Knowing more about your man, understanding some mechanisms of his behaviour, both of you will avoid a lot of unnecessary conflicts and that knowledge will help you appreciate him more, support and understand. You are on the same team after all.
Your man will always be attracted to women’s beauty. And not the same way you admire handsome men – ”Oh, what a handsome man” – and walk by. It is more like a deer hunter looking at a deer. We can push it away, we may try to not look at it, but still, 90% of our brains is enslaved by this awareness and image, which, once remembered, is waiting to unexpectedly kick off at any time of day or night.
Nowadays, as men, we are advertently bombarded with the stimulus of attractive women. For you, the most important thing should be to see how your man deals with it. The right man, walking with you on a street, when passing by a sexy woman (of course we see how you’re trying to stealthily look at us) will give you all his attention by looking at you, or by turning in the other direction ignore that stimulus just to give you respect and show that you have no reason to be jealous.
We also want romantic stuff; we just understand it a little differently.
Most guys consider themselves as secret romantics; the remaining minority thinks that women change romantics into cold cynics. Only a small faction brooks no romance.
We love when you hug our backs no matter if we’re standing in the kitchen or sitting on the bed. Ever since the Stone Age, the back was the easiest part of the body to attack, therefore when you hug it we feel safe and fully trust you. We like when you kiss us on the neck, your tomfoolery and clumsiness, which makes us feel like real men. We love when you send us sexy MMS with a message saying you miss us, and when you walk around the house wearing our shirt that is too large on you. We don’t always like romanticism taken from the cinema screen and for a romantic supper by candlelight we only need pizza.
Teach him what you want, but never be passive yourself. Your guy may know as much about romance as he learned from Disney movies. Dinner, candles, sex. If a monkey can be taught to put blocks, your guy probably will also be able to learn romance in the way you want. It can be done just like intelligent dogs are trained. The reward method works similarly to people. He will be happy to fetch if he gets a reward. Let this award be spontaneous and honest.
For your sincere smile, we are able to do a lot. However, diligent discontent or lack of reaction will discourage us from working. Show him you appreciate his efforts and don’t treat it as obvious obviousness.
3) Respect and admiration.
In short, a man needs it like a masochist needs razorblades – needs it a lot.
Once, one guy confessed something which many others followed:
”Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected” – we often put respect over a feeling. In turn, with the majority of women, it would be the opposite. They would prefer to have the sense of inferiority than to be unloved. That’s why when you get to know each other you try to make him fall in love with you, and he tries to show you how resourceful and courageous he is – because if your man doesn’t feel respected, he doesn’t feel loved either.
Dr E. Eggerichs in his book “Love and respect” writes: “In a conflict in a relationship, crying is the woman’s pure response to the feeling of being unloved, whereas anger is the man’s frequent response to a sense of disrespect.” Just like you need unconditional love, your man needs unconditional respect.
Men usually fell when their woman respects them. But it is worth to state it literally, it’s like saying “I love you”. You wouldn’t like your man to act like in this joke: “I told you once, if something changes, I’ll let you know”.
How can you support your man when it comes to showing respect?
It’s usually the little things. Trust, you give him something to be responsible for, tell him how much you trust him. If you’re so crazy about it that you always have to have the last word, then at least do it the way to make him say that word, to make him feel he’s the head of the family. Tell him how proud of him you are – personally, I become very soft when I hear such compliments, more than when I hear “I love you”, although it’s important as well. All of this makes us try even harder. We love when you respect our knowledge, opinions and decisions. You do not always have to agree with us, but you can at least show that what we think is important to you.
To you, it may seem that:
My honey doesn’t love me anymore… Doesn’t spend as much time with me as he used to… I’m probably less attractive to him… He’s probably looking for another girl, or already has one… . This is just simply a terribly wrong thinking that comes from not knowing the man’s nature.
Your man needs a treat, solitude, peace, and reset.
From you, your dog, kids, or his life. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, but because he needs you. We are cavemen; we sometimes need to hide in our dark, ice-covered, cold, lacking-in-decor, caves. Only there we are able to make a perfect murder of our desires and feelings, we are able to miss, adequately calm down and gather strength to support you as best as possible.
It does not matter if it is in the form of hiding in the garage, refurbishing and cleaning a car that is already clean. Doing something outside of your direct environment or going out with your buddies and behaving, for a change, like an attractive teenager who has just come to study in a big city, escaped the parents from a little village and thinks she’s got the world in her hands. I feel free. Although we will not be as liberated as she is. We also want to have the world in our hands and feel free.
Women fall in love when a man is present with them. Men can come to the conclusion that they have fallen in love, even when women are not around.
– Sherry Argov
Sometimes we succumb to your possessiveness because, in the end, we love peace. Men turn into soft, boring namby-pamby, with which no woman would want to go to bed even for money. From one point of view it’s good for you, but on the other side, it’s not the man you fell in love with. He’s like a bit more castrated and lifeless, with no passion for life, or he’s still fighting. There are also men who believe that if they happen on such a woman, they will die of exhaustion in the relationship, and God will take such exhausted martyr (man) straight to heaven for merit and without a queue. However, taking the number of divorces into concern, most of us prefer to burn in hell or ransom in a different way.
Usually, if your man has the original factory settings in which no woman has ever interfered, the memory for dates is just as important to him as the construction of a well in the Central African Republic.
Does it mean he doesn’t love you?
No. It means that it doesn’t remember dates. It is still good that he remembers your birthday somehow.
If you’re riding in a car, sitting on a couch or wherever and you ask him a question “What are you thinking about?”, he will answer – “Nothing.”. It is literally what he means.
Your man might be a party animal, but he will still find the time to think about nothing and disturbing it will probably make him very irritated. That is the moment when our brain sustains only our life functions.
To bring you closer to how we feel when you try to forcibly fill our time with yourself or desperately get our attention.
Imagine that you are driving your car with a guy, it’s already dark and suddenly you hear your favourite song on the radio, a new song that you have not yet managed to satiate yourself with. You instinctively turn the volume up and you are in your world…
And suddenly, like a hat rabbit fuelled by 20 Duracell fingers put in the place where the urologist usually examines the prostate – your guy is activated. – Why are you not saying anything? – What are you thinking about? – What colour do you like?
After a few such stories, you would love to gag him and bury it in the garden.
You want attention, sit next to him and hug him. Your presence will not disturb us and a silent hug will be taken as understanding. It is so fucking easy. We love when you hug us suddenly, without a reason, and that nothingness allows us to free our brain from unnecessary thoughts to make room for new ones.
7) Deep analysis of the facts.
Probably more than once you were in a situation when you were arguing with your man, and he suddenly slammed the door and left. After some time, he came to apologise to you, or simply make peace, unless you were totally wrong.
You can read such escape and reluctance to argument as an emotional indifference to you, but it is in fact an inability to express thoughts while feeling so many emotions. Your brain is programmed to talk, ours – to act.
It’s not easy for your man to talk to you about his feelings; it shows how different we are. Give him the time to think it through before you want to discuss it. If during a quarrel, you jump from subject to subject, what often makes us incredibly fucking angry, you should know that our brain can only be engaged with one thing at a time, but thoroughly exploring it. Your man needs to back off first, think over the problem coolly, so that he can logically put everything right in his head and find the best solution.
In sum – we like people who make us feel good. With whom we can be fully ourselves. Let him know he can always count on you, and you will always try to understand him. It is hard to find a thorough understanding. In a mature relationship the partners are armed in heavy ammunition called empathy. Learn to love him as he is and not what you think he is. He will never be perfect and the grass is not always greener on the other side (Of course, I’m not telling you to be with a total dickhead).
If you think it is too much, you can always join the corps of militants of eternally frustrated feminists. but remember, the awareness that the relationship will not only bring you happiness and there will be days where you’ll be damned angry with yourself, is the best way to avoid disappointment and realising that “that’s not it”. Because of course, all my girlfriends are in love and so happy, and they always live “Happily ever after” in films – in the real life such thing as “Happily ever after” doesn’t exist. Because “happily” is a matter of approach, and “ever after” – determination and perseverance.
Thanks for reading! It means the absolute world to me.