Love in the best relationships is not automatic
Love in the best relationships is not automatic
4 July 2018 • 5 min. read

Love in the best relationships is not automatic

2800 1867 Robbie Coach

I would be lying if I said that the beginnings are not exciting – because they usually bring the perfectly dreamy image in High Definition with a Dolby Surround and, to be honest, we always have high expectations for them. With such attitude we begin the first businesses, start-ups, purchasing gym passes for the whole year and modernisation of refrigerators in madness that from today we are going to eat healthy all the way to the end.

I remember the beginnings of all my relationships and every single one, without exception, started like a New Year’s Party that has been awaited the whole day. I don’t remember if I had to inflame the passion with premeditation or endure my partner’s sulk, it was rather something like automatic chemistry production from the willingness and curiosity to get to know a new person. At that stage the word “I love you” meant just as much as, after showing the kid a parachute, having him decide that he knows what to do with his life, he will become a pilot.

Although over time we start to notice more and more things about each other that fucking piss us off, the dopamine high, just like taking the anaesthetic on the dentist’s chair, makes us encounter them with a smile.

Undoubtedly, it is one of the best periods and it is well known by the producers of films that fall into the category of “and they lived happily ever after”. They discretely ignore the fact that the real life starts after the “and they lived happily ever after” period. To paraphrase, they sell us a car without informing us that it needs to be refuelled, insured, that we need to cover the costs of exploitation, and if someone scratches it, take to the mechanic, because in the end the vision of self-refuelling, caring-about-itself 1967 Camaro speeding through the LV deserts is more attractive than the information written in a small print saying that “from now you own a piggy bank with no bottom and if you neglect it, you should better lace your shoes well ’cause you’re gonna trudge on foot”.

As with any drug, after the dopamine high, we are left with a hangover and a feeling that it’s not as it used to be. Guys often become passive and women start complaining about their passivity…

For some people, the first phase, that they illusively call love, is so addictive that they move from one relationship to another – it’s the so-called “Peter Pan” model. Other people break up because of “losing the feeling”, not being aware of the need to stoke up these feelings, and they usually end the next relationship the same way until they reach the magic border starting with 3 and they realise that “maybe it will be enough if he can take the rubbish out and not be embarrassing in front of friends”. There’s also another kind – and they are the worst – who blame the partner or try to subconsciously change them into their retouched vision.

Do you know when people really get to know each other?

When they know each other long enough that the Instagram filters come off their faces. The only real thing in life is everydayness, and it’s far from the monopoly on euphoria, champagne shooting, and the best orgasms. It mainly draws lines of banal activities consisting of sorrows, Mondays and problems at work. Therefore, the period of automatic advances for all couples passes and together we enter the prose of everyday life, and conscious decisions and actions that are far from the automatic start when:

She will come home drunk after celebrating friend’s birthday and you, instead of getting angry and suspecting cheating, will make her a tea with milk and then you’ll hold her forehead over the toilet, trying to not look down.

When she gets back home laden with bags and you, not thinking about the fact that you’ve just got home tired, get up from the computer, greet her with a kiss and take the bags into the kitchen.

When he comes back home angry and tired after work and you, instead of grumbling that “he’s late” and “where has he been”, hug him and say “everything will be alright baby, I made you a ham and cheese sandwich.”

When he’s 30 degrees fever and he’s fighting for his life, you leave everything and come to him only to make him a hot soup.

When you, despite being angry at your partner and after an unpleasant argument, get in a car and wait for him on a bench until he finishes work, just to show him that the argument is not more important than your feelings and he’s still everything to you.

Although the fanpages filled with beautiful quotes tell us that life’s too short to be wasted with someone who doesn’t make us get a diarrhoea of happiness every day when we see them, then without taking conscious everyday actions that automatically accompanied only the beginning of acquaintance, our vision of the relationship with Dolby Surround and 3D definition will change into the mono sound and the maximum definition of a Pegasus game – because the best relationships never happen automatically.